"Loneliness is not being alone. It is when someone loves you, and you don't have it in you to love them back."

-Xiu Xiu, as quoted from the poem The Wig Master

my tummy is sad.

Errr.... home sick today from work. It's been at least five years since I've been sick enough to stay home instead of doing something. Weird. I sort of thought I was better a little while ago, so I ate a bunch of sour cream and onion chips washed down with a glass of orange juice. Bad idea. Just jello and water for me, thanks. Anyways, here's a poem I started when up in Maine for my brother's graduation. I finished just the other day during work. Enjoy.

Open the door and walk out
on the world
Into blurry streets made of old photographs
Lined with houses built of memories
A smirking moon gazes
down from a sky white and black
Upon cars rusted with time, still moving
Encasing shrouded figures alone.

It's not quite sound that footfalls make
on crooked sidewalks -
No, it is a cry, a protest against this
Bad lot drawn by all
of existence to live in the gutters
But have knowledge of the stars always overhead
Never within reach.

Ah, but whose heart is it
that chokes on loneliness and bile
Whose vision that dims with tears and blood?
A wretched, wrecked creation
Of false starts and missteps
Of words and stuttrered and slurred just to
Leave anything that even glimmers with meaning
Lying on cold bathroom tile with no clothes on
Its last gasps reverberating in its distorted
fluorescent purgatory.

Open the door and walk out, just walk on
Because there's nothing here to see.

kittentits

So this is me. Why am I alive? What is this life for? Just another 18-24 demographic blip bemoaning the seeming purposelessness of life, the hard questions that have no real answer. It's hard. Allow me this, just to say it's so hard. It probably be better with friends, companions, a lover, what have you. But I don't keep everyone at arm's length, I keep them in a different zip code. I hide from people I used to know when I see them somewhere, pretending not to see them. Why? I have no answers, I have no answers, I have no answers...