Listening to Sufjan Stevens right now. I strongly recommend that you go out and buy his entire collection. Immediately.
It is Saturday night and I am alone in my room. There's no real way to put a positive spin on that, is there? Finals are this week. Not too big of a deal at an art school. At least compared with MSOE. Jesus. So I'm studying. Or was. Break time.
Today was spent mostly in the darkroom. I only developed two prints in four hours. Most people could get around six. My shots kind of suck too. Bummer.
Tonight was going to be spent trying to get drunk off vodka. I just started drinking recently, so I have no real idea what I'm doing. Anyways. This entry isn't going the way I want it to.
Let's try again. I am hesitant to write what I'm really feeling in this blog because my parents were secretly reading my old blog that I had kept for the better part of two years. I was going through some rough shit at MSOE and I made a passing reference to self-harm and they freaked. My dad drove up the next day at 6 in the morning and brought me to a therapist. For serious. To be fair, I had "experimented" , for lack of a better word, with cutting before. I felt really betrayed and extremely pissed off with the whole blog thing My dad gave me his word that he wouldn't read my blog again, but I can't be sure.
So. I guess I'll just say whatever. If I can't say what I feel here, I can't say it anywhere. I have felt this crushing, bottomless loneliness for several weeks running. I'm not trying to be over-dramatic about this, honest. I feel unworthy of love in any form. That's why I wanted to get drunk tonight. So I could feel okay for a while. Probably would have just ended up crying and crying and crying. "Talk to someone about this". Why? They can't fix it. Me talking about how miserable I am and how much I dislike myself makes me feel worse.
I have a quiet feeling that the rest of my life will be like this. Long, almost endless periods of sadness and solitude interrupted by brief spurts of happiness. Is a life like that even worth living? There have been suicide attempts in my family before, and I have seen the destruction and grief they bring. So none of that.
Please. Please. I don't even know what I'm asking for or who I'm asking. But please. Let me love. Let me be loved. Let me stop hurting. Please. Please.
5 comments:
Blogs are funny things. I can't remember how I stumbled upon yours. I've been checking in for a while.
I'm not sure if it would make you feel any better, but atleast you can know that a perfect stranger hopes you don't feel like this for too long.
I've had a nice impression of you from reading your blog, so I'm sure many other people would feel the same.
'Talking to someone' can mean a friend. Sometimes feeling low is being lost in your own thoughts, talking to a friend you can realise how silly you've been and not be so alone.
Anyway, this stranger is here if you ever need to talk to someone :) Cheer up :)
Thank you Susan. I appreciate your comments. I really do.
You deserve so much better. I'm sure you don't want to hear the whole time heals all wounds speech so let me put it like this. For the past few years since i met you, i have thought you were one of the hottest guys ive ever met. Ive wanted to tell you but have always had a fear of rejection so i just keep it inside and just admire you from afar. Now i read that you are feeling unworthy of love and it makes me sad because all i have ever wanted was to show you how special you really are. You need to open your eyes and realize how incredible Sean Vize really is. You ARE going to be happy if for no other reason, you deserve nothing less. I hope one day you can see inside what ive seen since the day i first saw you. I can't express in words how i feel right now. I can only say that any girl would be lucky to have a guy like you. And any girl who can't see that doesn't deserve your love. Hold you head high Sean, youre a hottie and should know it.
Thank you anonymous. One day I would like to know who you really are. But only when you're ready.
It can't rain all the time.
Hang in there.
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