I can't sit still. There's somewhere... someone... it feels as if... I don't know. "My life doesn't satisfy" is the nearest I can get to saying what I mean. I feel out of place everywhere I go. What is this? Why does nothing feel good?
I tried telling my friend all this the other night and she started to cry, so we talked about other things instead. No one understands.
Is this really all there is? Everything feels so detached from reality, a reality that I never experienced but is in my head all the same. This first-person movie I live... the only thing real about it is the ever-present unhappiness it causes.
I want to get over her so badly. Honestly, who the hell wants to love someone that lives 900 miles away and loves someone else? It's been 2 1/2 months and it hurts just like it did during the first couple of days. We talk still, but I can't tell her how I feel without making it all weird (again) and it is killing me inside. When she mentions this other guy she loves, it's like being thrown into the ocean in the middle of winter - I can't breathe, I can't move, my mind doesn't work. My friends tell me to find someone else just to get my mind off her. It's not in me. When I go to love someone, I love them with everything I have, and if part of me is still hung up on her... I don't know. It doesn't seem right or fair to the other person. But that leaves me here, pining away for someone who will never love me back, writing down every single nuance of my pseudo-self-pity, my heartache in exquisite detail...
Fuck.
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3 comments:
It is natural to think of her and miss her. Getting over someone is easier said than done but it *is* do-able.
(I also think that your friend mentioning her "friend" isn't something she does to hurt you. Perhaps you could let her know that while you understand she is happy, and you don't want to make things weird or uncomfortable by telling her, it does still hurt to hear that she's moved on. Maybe if she knew that, she would try to mention him a little less.)
Your friends are right in a way. Perhaps your goal shouldn't be to find someone who you automatically assign the job of getting your mind off of *her* to, but more so find someone you enjoy talking to, spending time with, and just put all of your effort into focusing on them; being in the moment.
Two and a half months isn't long at all and you shouldn't beat yourself up for caring about (loving) her still.
That's just how it goes sometimes. Most times.
I'm sorry that you feel so alone and so detached from everything around you. I can totally understand. I've been there before.
I wish I knew what to tell you to do to get away from that feeling but we all have personal things we need to work through and accept before we can begin to feel more grounded and attached to the world.
My thoughts are with you and my offer still stands. I'm here to listen anytime you need, even if that's all I can do.
You'll be okay. I believe in you.
I am sorry you feel as though no one understands. Remarkably, that is what I thought until I happened across your blog today. I identified quite a bit with the first three paragraphs of this entry. It is some small comfort to me that someone might also be acquainted with the great feeling of unsettledness I have been experiencing of late.
Yeah, it is of some comfort to know others feel like you. It's strange that it's comforting because nothing about a given situation is really changed with that knowledge. I don't know.
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