so... fun story

The other night I accidentally crashed a party - me and my friend were the only white kids there, everyone else was Asian. It was really weird, but funny. Then, 2 minutes after entering, I proceeded to incur the secret wrath of most of the guys there when the prettiest girl burst into tears when she saw me and was sort of was all over me. A little. Not in the way you're probably thinking, though. She's in my photo classes, so we know each other enough to say hello but I swear to God, I am so incredibly awkward around her - it's like all of jr. high concentrated into a single conversation. She's really cool and all... but I get skiddish at times like this. Anyways, she was really drunk and proceeded to say (after asking what I was doing there several times) that she and her friends loved my work but thought I was really creepy. I told her I wasn't creepy, just awkward... but I don't know how much sank in. This whole time she was crying and hugging me though and mentioned stuff about liking me in the past but not anymore or something.

Anyways. New life experience, I guess. Class tomorrow will be awesome, no doubt.

1001 household uses

Being a third wheel yet still participating in and adding to a conversation between two others is a fucking art form. And I do believe that I have it down. Perhaps I have found my calling?

Anyone want to hire me out to do this yet? I can make self-deprecating jokes for hours on end. Also balloon animals - I do balloon animals.

again?

Christmas and Valentine's Day: usually my two least favorite holidays. Urr.... Valentine's is worse this year, being in a dorm and all, because it seems like everyone is holding hands in the elevator and awkward thumping noises emanate from at least a couple of rooms on each floor. Oh well. My friends and I went out dumpstering. Scored some fresh strawberries (4 boxes!) and a box full of donuts from the Dunkin' dumpster. Yum yum... nothing like overeating to make the lonely monster go away. It was something to do anyways, and it was pretty fun. Whatever. I have to wake up super early tomorrow to finish a roll or two of film. Lame.

take it easy

How can you miss something you never experienced? I don't think I really love anything. Not music, not really photography... what am I doing here? Not at school, I mean here - alive and existing. I've been struggling with this question for years and I'm not any closer to figuring it out then when I started. I was hoping to actually find a concrete answer, not some fortune cookie bullshit like "the purpose of existence is to question existence".

Fuck. I have no idea what to do or say anymore. There's no one to talk to about anything and I don't. Know. What's. Wrong.

so nothing

I hate - I hate - everything I've ever created. Photos, songs, poems... I want to destroy all of them. They're worthless and trite. I can't express anything through them, so what's the point? They are monuments to mediocrity and failure. I don't know how to deal with this... what is the word for this? An all-encompassing sense of alienation and loneliness? Yeah, sure. How do you tell someone that? Hmm... yeah.... I've been so lonely these last few months that I feel as if I'm having a nervous breakdown. There's no frame of reference for anyone to even relate. They'll just get all wide-eyed and flag down the nearest psychiatrist.

I want to set everything on fire.

tiny little islands

Why can't I speak? These unwieldy words are a prison as real as those made of steel and concrete. How I hate to say "I don't want to talk about it" - it's more like "I don't know how to talk about it".

Fuck it. I don't care how this sounds anymore. I am so fucking alone all the goddamn time. And how it hurts! How sharply, how profoundly it aches! I can't even express even a fraction of it to you. What should I do? What should I do? What the fuck is wrong with me?

there is nothing

I don't know how to speak anymore. So I just sit and think and do nothing and can't quite express exactly what I mean.

My friends... just bad things are going on with them and there's nothing I can do about it except offer cliches about "being there" for them. As if that would accomplish anything. I feel so utterly useless.