4:35 Metra to Kenosha

Well, these days it's been black when I sleep -
Endlessly dark and complete for weeks on end
And for that I am probably grateful
But I am scared
Because I don't want it to fade
How much I loved you, how much I love you
How much it hurt when
You said you didn't
I was so alive then, balanced barefoot on a razor's edge
And yes, I fell - I bled and I cried
Like I didn't think I could
It hurts to this very moment
But I don't regret it and I never will
So those dreams can come if they want
I don't think I'm that scared
Of seeing you again.

8-bit sound

Well, I gots a job now. It's a good job. The people are nice. I am treated and paid well. Still, I feel like I'm betraying what I've come to believe these last few months; namely, anarchism. Is an hour of my life really worth $9? They're not exactly replaceable. Plus, my working helps fund a war that I believe to be criminal. And yet, and yet... I must buy photo supplies. I must repay loans. I must be a consumer, and my money spends (and contributes) the same now as it would if I was ignorant of the misery capitalism perpetuates.

My first day I spent on the edge of tears - no joke. It wasn't solely because of all this... I don't know. Just feeling incredibly lonely and unloved as well... I've more or less been in a tailspin since November. I fear that I am losing the ability to express myself because of it. I've sort of stopped playing music and writing songs because everything I write or play ends up as just a long parade of cliches. My friends... well, we both wish they could do something. I swear to god, days like these make me want to just make up a backpack and start walking to wherever. When I am done with school, I think I'll do that for a while, except I'll have my camera and say I'm "building my portfolio". Or something.

Ah, shit. It's daylights savings today and I have to work in the morning. Fucking Benjamin Franklin... whatever.

Click here.

radical

Finally got a goddamned job - my first day is tomorrow. Worrying about money all the time is very draining. Also not being able to buy groceries often - that's no fun either. But apparently I get a discount on beer and food from the store I'll be working at. That's good, I guess... not too big on drinking, but it's nice to be able to afford to do so.

A friend came in from out of town today - I was really excited to see her again. I've been distant with my friends here at school for a while, so it was really refreshing to be genuinely happy to see someone. I don't know... I could leave for another country tomorrow and the list of people I would be sad not to see again would only be three or four people long. Depressing. I've begun to wonder whether I am capable of normal relationships... or if I have any hope of starting a romantic one... it's all so unapologetically hopeless and I'm pretty sure it's my fault somehow.