kid with blog

a return to things new and familiar

2008-05-19T00:51:00.002-05:00

It has been a while. Stuff happened in the in-between. School. Death. Life. Learning. Changing. Too much stuff to cover. But now I'm drowsily chronicling all this newness in my apartment. It feels as if my arms have been unbound and life is radically different. No school for a while. Limited hours at work. But I feel new and unpredictable. Like... the other day I went off with some friends from work and got pretty stoned for the first time because, well... I couldn't think of any reason not to. It was a wonderful experience. Everything became loose and smiles came easily. But not just smiles. Happiness. It wasn't just from being stoned, though. It was from living. Living for the first real time, maybe. It's strange. I haven't forgotten that I hurt and am kind of lonely. It just doesn't seem as important.

That's about all the coherence I can muster for the moment. I hope you all have a pleasant day.

2008-04-10T01:55:00.002-05:00

Nothing's really changed, but I feel inexplicably better about things. I'm still painfully single, I still have a metric shit-ton of homework due, and I still have no idea what I'm doing. But it's okay. And I haven't even been drinking.

Trusty little black ache's still lodged firmly in my chest too.

In other news, I now have enough money to get myself all tattooed up. I was thinking inner right forearm, but I don't have any ideas as to what to get.

no thing

2008-04-05T02:00:00.002-05:00

What am I doing with my life? My photography's mediocre, my music sucks, my writing sucks... I really don't like the life I have chosen for myself. There's nothing that I love to do. Nothing. Not a single. God. Damn. Thing. And it's SO frustrating because there's not really a reason for me to wake up in the morning.

How do you fix something like that?

4:35 Metra to Kenosha

2008-03-24T01:54:00.002-05:00

Well, these days it's been black when I sleep -
Endlessly dark and complete for weeks on end
And for that I am probably grateful
But I am scared
Because I don't want it to fade
How much I loved you, how much I love you
How much it hurt when
You said you didn't
I was so alive then, balanced barefoot on a razor's edge
And yes, I fell - I bled and I cried
Like I didn't think I could
It hurts to this very moment
But I don't regret it and I never will
So those dreams can come if they want
I don't think I'm that scared
Of seeing you again.

8-bit sound

2008-03-09T00:18:00.004-06:00

Well, I gots a job now. It's a good job. The people are nice. I am treated and paid well. Still, I feel like I'm betraying what I've come to believe these last few months; namely, anarchism. Is an hour of my life really worth $9? They're not exactly replaceable. Plus, my working helps fund a war that I believe to be criminal. And yet, and yet... I must buy photo supplies. I must repay loans. I must be a consumer, and my money spends (and contributes) the same now as it would if I was ignorant of the misery capitalism perpetuates.

My first day I spent on the edge of tears - no joke. It wasn't solely because of all this... I don't know. Just feeling incredibly lonely and unloved as well... I've more or less been in a tailspin since November. I fear that I am losing the ability to express myself because of it. I've sort of stopped playing music and writing songs because everything I write or play ends up as just a long parade of cliches. My friends... well, we both wish they could do something. I swear to god, days like these make me want to just make up a backpack and start walking to wherever. When I am done with school, I think I'll do that for a while, except I'll have my camera and say I'm "building my portfolio". Or something.

Ah, shit. It's daylights savings today and I have to work in the morning. Fucking Benjamin Franklin... whatever.

Click here.

radical

2008-03-05T18:44:00.002-06:00

Finally got a goddamned job - my first day is tomorrow. Worrying about money all the time is very draining. Also not being able to buy groceries often - that's no fun either. But apparently I get a discount on beer and food from the store I'll be working at. That's good, I guess... not too big on drinking, but it's nice to be able to afford to do so.

A friend came in from out of town today - I was really excited to see her again. I've been distant with my friends here at school for a while, so it was really refreshing to be genuinely happy to see someone. I don't know... I could leave for another country tomorrow and the list of people I would be sad not to see again would only be three or four people long. Depressing. I've begun to wonder whether I am capable of normal relationships... or if I have any hope of starting a romantic one... it's all so unapologetically hopeless and I'm pretty sure it's my fault somehow.

so... fun story

2008-02-25T01:48:00.003-06:00

The other night I accidentally crashed a party - me and my friend were the only white kids there, everyone else was Asian. It was really weird, but funny. Then, 2 minutes after entering, I proceeded to incur the secret wrath of most of the guys there when the prettiest girl burst into tears when she saw me and was sort of was all over me. A little. Not in the way you're probably thinking, though. She's in my photo classes, so we know each other enough to say hello but I swear to God, I am so incredibly awkward around her - it's like all of jr. high concentrated into a single conversation. She's really cool and all... but I get skiddish at times like this. Anyways, she was really drunk and proceeded to say (after asking what I was doing there several times) that she and her friends loved my work but thought I was really creepy. I told her I wasn't creepy, just awkward... but I don't know how much sank in. This whole time she was crying and hugging me though and mentioned stuff about liking me in the past but not anymore or something.

Anyways. New life experience, I guess. Class tomorrow will be awesome, no doubt.

1001 household uses

2008-02-24T02:45:00.003-06:00

Being a third wheel yet still participating in and adding to a conversation between two others is a fucking art form. And I do believe that I have it down. Perhaps I have found my calling?

Anyone want to hire me out to do this yet? I can make self-deprecating jokes for hours on end. Also balloon animals - I do balloon animals.

again?

2008-02-15T01:35:00.002-06:00

Christmas and Valentine's Day: usually my two least favorite holidays. Urr.... Valentine's is worse this year, being in a dorm and all, because it seems like everyone is holding hands in the elevator and awkward thumping noises emanate from at least a couple of rooms on each floor. Oh well. My friends and I went out dumpstering. Scored some fresh strawberries (4 boxes!) and a box full of donuts from the Dunkin' dumpster. Yum yum... nothing like overeating to make the lonely monster go away. It was something to do anyways, and it was pretty fun. Whatever. I have to wake up super early tomorrow to finish a roll or two of film. Lame.

take it easy

2008-02-09T03:11:00.000-06:00

How can you miss something you never experienced? I don't think I really love anything. Not music, not really photography... what am I doing here? Not at school, I mean here - alive and existing. I've been struggling with this question for years and I'm not any closer to figuring it out then when I started. I was hoping to actually find a concrete answer, not some fortune cookie bullshit like "the purpose of existence is to question existence".

Fuck. I have no idea what to do or say anymore. There's no one to talk to about anything and I don't. Know. What's. Wrong.

so nothing

2008-02-03T01:39:00.000-06:00

I hate - I hate - everything I've ever created. Photos, songs, poems... I want to destroy all of them. They're worthless and trite. I can't express anything through them, so what's the point? They are monuments to mediocrity and failure. I don't know how to deal with this... what is the word for this? An all-encompassing sense of alienation and loneliness? Yeah, sure. How do you tell someone that? Hmm... yeah.... I've been so lonely these last few months that I feel as if I'm having a nervous breakdown. There's no frame of reference for anyone to even relate. They'll just get all wide-eyed and flag down the nearest psychiatrist.

I want to set everything on fire.

tiny little islands

2008-02-02T03:52:00.000-06:00

Why can't I speak? These unwieldy words are a prison as real as those made of steel and concrete. How I hate to say "I don't want to talk about it" - it's more like "I don't know how to talk about it".

Fuck it. I don't care how this sounds anymore. I am so fucking alone all the goddamn time. And how it hurts! How sharply, how profoundly it aches! I can't even express even a fraction of it to you. What should I do? What should I do? What the fuck is wrong with me?

there is nothing

2008-02-01T02:02:00.000-06:00

I don't know how to speak anymore. So I just sit and think and do nothing and can't quite express exactly what I mean.

My friends... just bad things are going on with them and there's nothing I can do about it except offer cliches about "being there" for them. As if that would accomplish anything. I feel so utterly useless.

2008-01-31T12:51:00.000-06:00

Back at school now. It's nice to have something to do with my days. This semester I'm doing color film photography. The process for developing film and prints is really complicated with no margin for error (compared to b&w), so we send out film to be developed by companies. Good news - no mistakes, more free time. Bad news - each roll of film from purchase to development costs me over $10. So with about 4 rolls plus prints due each week, that means it's time to get a goddamn job. Actually, Urban Outfitters called me back for an interview. Urban Outfitters - the staple clothing store for hipsters everywhere and one of the most elitist places I have ever been and they want to interview me. Really weird? They asked questions on the app like what magazines I read, what CDs I bought recently... I think what saved my ass was that I crossed out CDs and scribbled "records". I hope they hire me. That would be nice.

Oh. Almost forgot. I went dumpstering with friends for the first time the other day. A police officer stopped us and a lady in her 50s that we made friends with there. Surprisingly, he wasn't a dick.

I've sort of settled down with my meds. Finally. But I went home after being on the road for a while and found that I had lost 2 inches off my waste and about 13 lbs. So now I have a tough time staying warm and my ribs stick out. Oh well. I'm cooking for myself now, so that should work itself out soon.

an observation:

2008-01-26T22:43:00.000-06:00

I do believe I've gone off my meds too fast. Oh well. The ups and downs make the days more interesting. I hope everything balances out soon.

A poem! At last!

2008-01-26T02:18:00.000-06:00

All is fair as long as you don't tell
Anyone what the rules are
Like how your eyes can change
Like the sea - so fast, so strange, so
Frighteningly beyond what can be known
Through these dim lamps.

Or how with a whisper your voice
Can quiet noonday cities
And shame songbirds into silence
But give back life and hushed lovers' laughter
To nights the moon and stars forsook.

There are no rules for such things
For they are experienced only in moments
That aren't really moments at all
To know them
To know you
Is only to witness the aching beauty
That follows in your wake.

From the road

2008-01-25T01:16:00.001-06:00

Greyhound was not too bad this time. Well, it still kind of sucked. 20+ hour bus rides can't be made to be enjoyable. I wrote this on the bus, and it's more or less where I'm at right now. The intensity sort of comes and goes. It's not too bad while I'm with my friends.

Oh my god it hurts. It hurts and hurts and hurts and never ceases. To have someone love me back... could I be so lucky? I actually feel as if I'm laden down with real weights on my shoulders and on my heart - as lame as that sounds. What is this that makes me so deeply unhappy? Is it me? Am I choosing this? It's like I don't know how to breathe anymore.

I'm not even saying anything... these trite words and my stupid, feeble mind! I am tormented by my own ignorance. My every attempt at expression is almost exactly the same as the one before it. I can't live like this. There's so much more I want to say - so much - but the words won't come.

I-L-L-I-N-O-I-S

2008-01-22T02:58:00.000-06:00

Only two days until a massively unpleasant bus ride back to Chicago - then to my house. I am not looking forward to seeing my folks again. It's not out of anger, really, I just don't want to talk to them for a while.

I'm going crazy with cabin-fever down here in Texas. I need a break from the friends I'm with and from just... I don't know. Myself? I've been feeling better, I guess, but I'm still pervaded by this very acute sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction. It seems unending. What is wrong with me that I feel like this? That I've felt like this for years? This is really starting to scare me.

shameless product promotion

2008-01-20T01:49:00.000-06:00

The last few days have been mostly spent in front of screens (like... now?) - TV, movie, computer, and feeling really depressed and alone and just shitty in general. I feel like I should apologize to someone for it (the screens part, at least). Frantically searching for entertainment - is that how life is to be lived? Hell. I don't know. The anarchists in the book(s) I have been reading are on to something. Life is more than this, I think.

If you get a chance, read this book. It is incredible... it blew the doors off of my concept of the world. It confirms that weird sense of everything being wrong somehow as not just a passing feeling. Everything really is pretty messed up, and it is easy to be blinded by consumerism and passivity. My words don't really do it justice. You'll have to buy it since it probably won't be in your local library and whatever bookseller probably won't have it. Yes, I realize the irony of buying a manual on anarchy, but these folks have to recover printing costs since they aren't doing this as a "job", or for that matter, have a job in the normal sense. Just read it. I promise you won't regret it.

insert anything here

2008-01-18T04:40:00.000-06:00

I don't know if it's really late or really early. The 4am hour is kind of fuzzy like that. My sleep schedule is all out of whack and staying up all night helps to reset it- a trick I learned a while ago.

I still feel half-crazed, but it's been better than it has been these last weeks. It's hard to tell if this is because of the meds I'm coming off of or not. Oh well. I should be all done with them in a week. Woot.

Everything feels wrong, like it has for a while. I don't think that will ever change. Maybe I just need to pack up and go somewhere - even though I'm in the midst of doing that very thing right now. I don't know... school... home... It's all so messy. I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore.

anything at all

2008-01-17T01:47:00.000-06:00

I can't sit still. There's somewhere... someone... it feels as if... I don't know. "My life doesn't satisfy" is the nearest I can get to saying what I mean. I feel out of place everywhere I go. What is this? Why does nothing feel good?

I tried telling my friend all this the other night and she started to cry, so we talked about other things instead. No one understands.

Is this really all there is? Everything feels so detached from reality, a reality that I never experienced but is in my head all the same. This first-person movie I live... the only thing real about it is the ever-present unhappiness it causes.

I want to get over her so badly. Honestly, who the hell wants to love someone that lives 900 miles away and loves someone else? It's been 2 1/2 months and it hurts just like it did during the first couple of days. We talk still, but I can't tell her how I feel without making it all weird (again) and it is killing me inside. When she mentions this other guy she loves, it's like being thrown into the ocean in the middle of winter - I can't breathe, I can't move, my mind doesn't work. My friends tell me to find someone else just to get my mind off her. It's not in me. When I go to love someone, I love them with everything I have, and if part of me is still hung up on her... I don't know. It doesn't seem right or fair to the other person. But that leaves me here, pining away for someone who will never love me back, writing down every single nuance of my pseudo-self-pity, my heartache in exquisite detail...

Fuck.

what day is everyone saying it is?

2008-01-12T16:01:00.000-06:00

Urr... the futility of self-expression. Sometimes I think it would be better if we could just touch each other and exchange memories rather than words. I lack the vocabulary to describe most things like a lot of people, and it is very isolating. "How are you?" "Just fine." I don't think I've ever meant that in my entire life. People ask, but they don't want to hear an answer. I ask it too, out of reflex. My hypocrisy shows.

I realize that a lot of these entries sound self-pitying. I swear that's not how it is - I hate pity and consider it an insult when people pity me. Truthfully, and without some sort of warped elitism, I don't like how I feel most of the time and I don't like how this world, this existence, is. Like there's no place for me, which is why I feel so shitty and alone all the time. I try to explain this to other people, but no one truly understands. My friends offer a sympathetic ear and try their best to help... I don't know. It comes back around to the problem of self-expression. It's so hard to explain. There is one, maybe two people whom I know that come close to getting this, but neither of them I see regularly. That's probably why I'm so crazy about Elliott Smith - he hurts, well he used to hurt, in a way I think I understood. But he killed himself.

I am beginning to not trust myself around girls. There's no problem talking to them (I really never had a problem there), but... I think I'm starting to let loneliness get the best of me. I don't know how to say it. Like girls I just met, that I barely know... I want to touch and be touched and kiss and laugh and be held. It takes a lot to not try and kiss a near-stranger, which is incredible considering how shy I can be. Once, a younger girl gave me her number, and no one had ever shown interest in me before, so I jumped at it, knowing that I had no real feelings for her. It was just physical, and I really hurt her because I selfishly let it go on. It wasn't anything too heavy, I mean I'm still a virgin, but I was, and am, deeply, deeply ashamed of myself for that.

This ache is unending and I don't know why and where... and I keep going on and on and on about it like some attention-starved child with a skinned knee. Suicide is not an answer and doesn't solve anything, but I find it drifting in and out of my mind with more frequency. I made the mistake of telling that to a therapist or psychiatrist once. It's troubling how their eyes change and they lean forward in their chair. Prescriptions and surveillance and questions... maybe I just needed a hug?

Will meeting and loving someone amazing make me feel better? Will me making that person feel loved fill whatever I'm missing inside me? I am losing hope quickly. I think I'm starting to crack from loneliness - like the beginnings of some sort of psychosis. Seriously.

jack kerouac, anyone?

2008-01-08T00:18:00.000-06:00

The last entries from my journal:

5-Jan-08

I'm in a Greyhound bus, on my way to Texas to chill with Britt for a while. It's about 730 pm and I should arrive around 1 pm. Traveling like this for a long period of time reduces you to a strange, semi-conscious state. Oh well. I have my snacks and music and sketchbook. The scenery passing by is depressingly uniform. Towns are different only in the variation of chain stores and strip malls they possess. It's even more apparent at night with all their gaudy light-up signs. 21st century Americana, I guess. Some author or poet said that with the construction of freeways, it was possible to see the whole country and not really see anything at all. Sad, really.

I ache and I ache and I ache for something that I can't put into words.

6-Jan-07

7+ hour layover in St. Louis - finally left at 5 am. I can't remember if I slept on the ride to Tulsa, maybe a little, but not enough to make a difference. Oklahoma's a strange place. The weather's nice, but the landscape is absolutely desolate. It's as if someone set off a giant sadness bomb and destroyed everything's will to live.

That's about it for the journal. Greyhound ended up losing my luggage, I just got it back a few hours ago. That meant I was off my meds for about 48 hours. It was really, really scary. I would be really energetic and talkative and have random and brief fits of euphoria, followed by just as brief periods of deep sadness. I got really nauseous and even though I was hungry as hell, I couldn't eat anything. I started to get shaky towards the end, and my entire body felt like it had fallen asleep and was all pins and needles. And even though I was scared, I kept laughing for no reason. I finally got meds back into my system about 3 hours ago, and I'm starting to settle back down. But seriously. Fuck this shit. I am never, ever going to be dependent on anything like this again. I'm taking myself off of these things, and should be completely free in a couple of weeks.

the wheels on the bus...

2008-01-05T01:01:00.000-06:00

I'm off to Texas tomorrow to stay with good friend Britt. I linked her blog on the right. Check it out. Only a 19+ hour bus ride stands in my way. Oye.

Despite all these goings-on, I feel just as lonely. And I'm scared because I'm 21 and have never been a serious relationship before and I know that I'm virtually alone in that particular category. I don't know what's wrong. Is there something wrong? Why will no one love me back?

on the road

2007-12-31T02:40:00.000-06:00

I'm not able to go home anymore. Some really bad stuff happened, so I packed and left. I'm going to be spending the next few weeks at various friends' houses, then coming back home for the rest of my stuff to bring back to my dorm. It's really scary because I don't know if my parents are going to continue to pay for my tuition. There's no way I can afford to go to the school I'm going to by myself. At the same time, it's strangely exciting to truly be on my own. I have been going to college for the last two years, but I could always come back home, and home was within an hour of school. Now there's no place to go.

subvert! undermine! love!

2007-12-28T00:34:00.000-06:00

Days of War, Nights of Love came in the mail today. It's an introduction to the anarchy, the kind I had talked about before. It's a fascinating book.

The nice folks from CrimethInc. also included a whole bunch of stickers. Which I may or may not have posted all over town and photographed. I placed a couple up on my Flickr, but the rest were crappy snapshots that I had to take in a bit of a hurry.

sleep

2007-12-27T02:42:00.000-06:00

Up late again for no particular reason. This is happening more and more often. But I don't mind. It's just boring and kind of lonely. Oh well. I can't shake this restlessness and disinterest in life. I just don't care much, except for music, photography, and the girl I still love. Nothing else, not even my friends or family, at least right now.

I think I may take another walk to see how far I can get. I plan on cheating and driving out to the state park. I haven't been any farther west than that. So everything will be new. I may hitchhike. Woot.

I hope that your holiday(s) went well. I really do.

smiling fights the lonely monster

2007-12-23T18:12:00.000-06:00

Note: Skyy vodka and hawaiian punch are really, really good together.

I've been avoiding my family as much as possible. I just can't relate. They're good people and I love them, but that doesn't bridge the wide gulf between us. So most of my time has been spent in my room or at my friend's house. With so much time to think.

I've hammered out the chords for a new song. It should be up on my myspace within a week or so assuming I can get back to my dorm to grab some recording equipment. So now you have something to look forward to, presumably.

I hope you have a good holiday everyone.

false starts

2007-12-21T00:53:00.000-06:00

That whole backpacking thing didn't work out. I walked for about 4 miles before I realized that my pack was too heavy or my back was messed up or something. Lame. So... it was a learning experience, I guess. Next time if I want to go somewhere, I'll just hop on a freight train with a light pack and see where I end up.

I feel so alone. All the time. Even when I'm around people, I'm not all there - that one piece, that one part that makes it all real - it's almost always missing. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy?

I have never been loved - truly loved. It sounds self-pitying, doesn't it? But I think that's how we are. We're built to long for each other. I find myself waking up every morning, curled up and trying to snuggle with the damn wall. This is unbearable. I can't even express anything anymore. I can't do this. Let me feel anything but this.

1st avenue, headed south

2007-12-19T01:04:00.001-06:00

I'm waking with the sun tomorrow (today). I will pack my things and walk west until the sun sets. Then I will camp out and walk back the next day. My very first adventure. I hope I don't die.

continued

2007-12-18T02:17:00.000-06:00

Spending the weekend back at school wasn't as bad as I though it would be. I had to be there for a final in my pain-in-the-ass photo class that meets on Sunday mornings. So lame. I ended up staying the rest of the day just chilling with Cat and Schroder and some other new friends. Time well spent, for sure. Schroder had to leave, though, and she probably won't be back for months. When we were saying goodbye, I don't know... whatever I was thinking, it's best that I didn't.

I've been learning a whole lot more about the whole anarchist/transient lifestyle from Schroder. It is truly fascinating - way different from any preconceived notions I had about anarchy. I can't really describe it well, but they can. And so can these folk. Check out the FAQ, it's incredibly well-done.

I don't know. This is pretty cool. I'm seriously considering doing it, but even I'm not sure how I'd go about doing that or even when I could. Regardless, it's given me something to keep my mind off her some of the time. A relief, no doubt, but it still hurts just as bad as it has before. It's worse when I'm by myself, and worse still when it's night. I wish I had a box where I could keep whatever part of me that aches so much. I could just set it in there every now and then, but strangely, I wouldn't want to keep it there forever. Sometimes I like how it hurts, but it's more than that. I don't know how to say what I mean.

Supertramp

2007-12-14T00:41:00.000-06:00

She called the other day to say she was sorry. I am just happy to be able to talk to her again. So I guess that means I'm feeling better.

I met a transient girl the other day. Her name was Schroeder. She was visiting a friend here who was a friend of my friend. It's kind of hard to describe her. She was alive like no one else. So I'm a bit taken with her. Not really, though. Although she didn't mean to, I felt really superficial and fake around her. I had never really questioned culture or gone out on my own or anything. And here she was, having been tramping since the summer, hopping trains and going all over the place. I had an intense desire to ask her to take me with her. I'm not trying to romanticize that life or anything. It's hard as hell not knowing where you'll sleep, where or when you'll eat, and so on. I'm not even sure if I could do it. But I don't know. I've had this thing where I get really, really restless and I don't know what to do with myself. I can't sit still, and nothing helps, not even music. Usually I just ignore it, but now I'm wondering where it's really coming from. A desire to really live? To be more than this? Even now I'm out of my head with restlessness. Goddamnit, what is this?

greetings

2007-12-09T00:04:00.000-06:00

Listening to Sufjan Stevens right now. I strongly recommend that you go out and buy his entire collection. Immediately.

It is Saturday night and I am alone in my room. There's no real way to put a positive spin on that, is there? Finals are this week. Not too big of a deal at an art school. At least compared with MSOE. Jesus. So I'm studying. Or was. Break time.

Today was spent mostly in the darkroom. I only developed two prints in four hours. Most people could get around six. My shots kind of suck too. Bummer.

Tonight was going to be spent trying to get drunk off vodka. I just started drinking recently, so I have no real idea what I'm doing. Anyways. This entry isn't going the way I want it to.

Let's try again. I am hesitant to write what I'm really feeling in this blog because my parents were secretly reading my old blog that I had kept for the better part of two years. I was going through some rough shit at MSOE and I made a passing reference to self-harm and they freaked. My dad drove up the next day at 6 in the morning and brought me to a therapist. For serious. To be fair, I had "experimented" , for lack of a better word, with cutting before. I felt really betrayed and extremely pissed off with the whole blog thing My dad gave me his word that he wouldn't read my blog again, but I can't be sure.

So. I guess I'll just say whatever. If I can't say what I feel here, I can't say it anywhere. I have felt this crushing, bottomless loneliness for several weeks running. I'm not trying to be over-dramatic about this, honest. I feel unworthy of love in any form. That's why I wanted to get drunk tonight. So I could feel okay for a while. Probably would have just ended up crying and crying and crying. "Talk to someone about this". Why? They can't fix it. Me talking about how miserable I am and how much I dislike myself makes me feel worse.

I have a quiet feeling that the rest of my life will be like this. Long, almost endless periods of sadness and solitude interrupted by brief spurts of happiness. Is a life like that even worth living? There have been suicide attempts in my family before, and I have seen the destruction and grief they bring. So none of that.

Please. Please. I don't even know what I'm asking for or who I'm asking. But please. Let me love. Let me be loved. Let me stop hurting. Please. Please.

2007-12-04T03:26:00.001-06:00

I now have a super dooper myspace music site. My song(s) should be up there in the next couple of hours.

http://www.myspace.com/seanvize

it hurts

2007-12-03T01:53:00.000-06:00

Today was no good, I was off my meds for nearly two days about five days ago, and it caught up to me just now. I hate those fucking things. I've been on them since I was 14. I'm not sure if they've even helped anything. So my mood has been off for a day or so now. Well, I can't be sure. What do you do when you can't trust your own thoughts? Whose thoughts are they then?

I miss you so much. Maybe it was something you could just brush off now that you have someone else. You really hurt me, and it's like you don't even care. Don't ever presume to tell me how I'm feeling. Only I can really know that, just as you are the only one who can truly know how you feel. I love you. I'm truly sorry if that makes you feel weird, but I'm not sorry for my feeling that way about you. Maybe you're right and you never really loved me. But I know that I loved you and that I love you still. And yes, I don't know the specifics about you that would come if there wasn't this distance. But would that make me love you any less? Any more?

You won't read this, though. So I'm just posting and recording my self-pity for all to read. I don't care. I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care. You never loved me. I don't blame you. But those precious weeks where both of us loved (or thought we loved) the other were wonderful.

Debbie Downer

2007-12-01T19:10:00.000-06:00

Man. Still pretty busted up about this whole situation. "Time heals all wounds". Total bullshit. Time doesn't heal a damn thing - you just learn how to adapt to living with whatever is hurting you. It never scabs over. That's why out of nowhere, someone will mention something and it reminds you of whatever happened and it hurts just as bad as it did all that time ago.

I feel ugly and stupid and unwanted. Some days breathing is barely worth the effort. Ugh.

2007-11-14T04:28:00.000-06:00

I haven't written. Some really bad shit had been going on between me and this girl I love. Or used to love. I don't know anymore. But I fucked it all up and now when she needs a friend more than ever, I'm not there. I have failed her, and I'm so sorry.

I've been keeping a journal for more than a week now, roughly as long as this has been going on. Someday I would like her to read it. Pure narcissism, but it's hard for me to speak to her about my feelings. I was just so excited that such a wonderful, beautiful girl told me that she loved me back. Now she says she doesn't and never did. I don't know what happened. Everyone says that this will pass and that I will make some girl so happy someday. The word "liar" is in my head before that sentence is finished. Still, I am grateful for what I had. I only wish that I could see her face-to-face and say how sorry I am for making her feel so uncomfortable and making all the shit going on in her life that much worse.

just a bit

2007-11-10T05:07:00.000-06:00

I don't think I'll be talking about much of anything for a while. Here or in real life. Not that it matters. No one is reading this.

oh no...

2007-10-23T18:12:00.000-05:00

The record companies have taken over. God help us all.

lame on purpose

2007-10-15T02:20:00.000-05:00

Some days I spend entirely (or nearly) alone by choice. It hurts, but it's a good hurt. Like exercise.

I hate my timidness. When I go home, I am going to ask my brother to punch me in the face as hard as he can (ala Fight Club) to prove to me that I am not made of glass. I hope I get into a fight with a grumpy hobo soon. I hope I get hit by a slow-moving car. I hope some asshole insults one of my friends in front of me. I hope someone tries to push me around. I want to prove to myself that I am not a coward. I want to be self-destructive.

fumes

2007-10-12T02:43:00.000-05:00

Running off of 3 hours' sleep right now. I'm not coherent enough to string together a witty sentence or anything, so here's a little gem for you all.

everything gets bigger when there's no one around

2007-10-08T15:55:00.000-05:00

Lonely, horny, and bored. And lonely. A really, really bad combination.

take this weight...away

2007-10-06T18:40:00.000-05:00

Goddamnit, I miss you with everything I've got. This distance doesn't belong between us and everything's all wrong. I wish I could eat every inch of dirt and asphalt and sky between you and me. There is no one and nothing else. And it hurts so much to say, it hurts so bad. And I know it hurts you too, and I'm so sorry. But how can we pretend it is any other way? When I said I loved you, I said it like I had never said anything before. Like nothing else before really counted. And yet, here we are. Far apart. With no choices. And no way not to hurt.

the grind

2007-09-26T12:00:00.001-05:00

I'm at work right now. Work is a small coffee shop inside an art supply store. I guess that makes me quite the hipster. It's slow pretty much all the time, so I am lucky to be getting paid to read and do homework. Instead of getting something to eat today, I went off and bought a book. Now I am an elitist hipster, the best kind. Perhaps I can nibble on the pages if I get hungry.

i'm still alive, really

2007-08-26T22:38:00.000-05:00

That about says it. I'll get some more posts here in the bye and bye.

in transit

2007-08-24T03:54:00.000-05:00

I'm more or less finished moving in to my righteous new dorm. It was sort of weird getting everything in. But my roommate is pretty cool, even if he doesn't really clean up after himself. The food and the classes are glorious. My only complaint is that whatever asshole who designed the dorm only put in 3 medium sized elevators in a building with 28 floors. So it's not uncommon to have a 10 minute wait for an elevator. Lame. But I spend most of my time with my brand new friends in the other dorm. To the point that I'm getting a cot to put in one of my friend's room. They have 8 elevators for 18 floors. The fuckers.

Photo class is amazing. They have roughly 3 entire office building sized floors dedicated to straight up film photography and another two to digital. I'm so goddamn happy to be here and not at MSOE. Sorry about the $15,000, mom and dad.

hip hip...

2007-08-13T02:03:00.000-05:00

Back from Maine now. It was quite the time up at Hyde (my brother's boarding school). We yoga(ed)/meditated way the hell up in northern Maine, built a boat (13 ft. long. It floats too.), and volunteered at a camp for mentally and physically challenged kids. It was pretty intense. I felt inadequate as an intern - I really didn't lead the students well. Everyone says "Oh, Sean, you did fine." I don't believe them. They don't really believe what they're saying either. The guy in charge of the whole program threatened to fire me, so that speaks for itself. Oh well. There were lots of wonderful and real people I was able to meet. It makes me wish that I went to Hyde during high school, even though it would have been gruelling. Better than that sorry-assed Christian school I went too.

2007-07-07T16:55:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm in Maine, living it up. Not really. It's boring as hell out here. Doing a camp counselor thing for 5 weeks, but there's no "campers" up here yet. Thus the boring. Ness. So. Don't call. Don't write. I promise to come back.

a thousand sorries

2007-07-04T00:21:00.000-05:00

I've been a terrible blogger. All not blogging like I am/was. But alas, I will not be posting for the next several weeks. Most likely. I will be kickin' it, as it were, in Maine, as a proud new intern in this summer camp sort of thing. There will be backpacking and sea kayaking and boat building (really) and other "constructive activities". More tomorrow, though. I'm having trouble fighting the sleepy monster.

2007-06-22T23:48:00.000-05:00

"Loneliness is not being alone. It is when someone loves you, and you don't have it in you to love them back."

-Xiu Xiu, as quoted from the poem The Wig Master

my tummy is sad.

2007-06-15T14:27:00.000-05:00

Errr.... home sick today from work. It's been at least five years since I've been sick enough to stay home instead of doing something. Weird. I sort of thought I was better a little while ago, so I ate a bunch of sour cream and onion chips washed down with a glass of orange juice. Bad idea. Just jello and water for me, thanks. Anyways, here's a poem I started when up in Maine for my brother's graduation. I finished just the other day during work. Enjoy.

Open the door and walk out
on the world
Into blurry streets made of old photographs
Lined with houses built of memories
A smirking moon gazes
down from a sky white and black
Upon cars rusted with time, still moving
Encasing shrouded figures alone.

It's not quite sound that footfalls make
on crooked sidewalks -
No, it is a cry, a protest against this
Bad lot drawn by all
of existence to live in the gutters
But have knowledge of the stars always overhead
Never within reach.

Ah, but whose heart is it
that chokes on loneliness and bile
Whose vision that dims with tears and blood?
A wretched, wrecked creation
Of false starts and missteps
Of words and stuttrered and slurred just to
Leave anything that even glimmers with meaning
Lying on cold bathroom tile with no clothes on
Its last gasps reverberating in its distorted
fluorescent purgatory.

Open the door and walk out, just walk on
Because there's nothing here to see.

kittentits

2007-06-07T00:15:00.000-05:00

So this is me. Why am I alive? What is this life for? Just another 18-24 demographic blip bemoaning the seeming purposelessness of life, the hard questions that have no real answer. It's hard. Allow me this, just to say it's so hard. It probably be better with friends, companions, a lover, what have you. But I don't keep everyone at arm's length, I keep them in a different zip code. I hide from people I used to know when I see them somewhere, pretending not to see them. Why? I have no answers, I have no answers, I have no answers...

hoo-ray for a new day

2007-05-18T14:33:00.000-05:00

Got a song all finished. Not too embarrased about the lyrics, and the chord progression is borderline awesome. So here it is. Let me know what you think. Even if you think it sucks.

The lights tick past at a steady clip
My hair greases the window, my teeth tug on my lip
I look and I listen to the beauty that surrounds me
Maybe if I try real hard, and minding its fraility
It'll find its way to me too
Some days I can almost believe it's true

And soon, I'll sotp throwing away everything I do
In a fit of disgust
And soon, I'll start coaxing words back out of my mouth
And relearn how to speak

I think it's the vast distances between my thoughts
That keeps me disconnected like a two-piece cross
As if watching family movies in the living room
The dead speak again, but it's a bit too soon
But it's an urge to end this lonliness that spurs my feet
Past the sterile office builidings down into the sun-soaked street

These lyrics are copyright... umm... me, so please don't be a fucktard and steal them.

hold hands

2007-05-11T22:26:00.000-05:00

It's Friday night. I am at home, watching TV. I am the kid that got lost during a field trip. I have been left behind at the museum. I am alone, and they're locking the doors. Why hasn't the bus turned around yet?

i'm back from the war, gimme some a'lovin'

2007-05-08T23:00:00.000-05:00

Goodness gracious me it has been a while since I posted. Not sorry. Not even a little.

I had skin cancer removed from the back of my neck today. Fifteen stitches, a new family record. I sorta held the old record with ten. It's no big thing, though. To be honest, this sort of thing is pretty weak to be called cancer. Scott and I are still making a "I Kicked Cancer's Ass" tee.

I was at Target today and a familiar tune caught my ear. I turned and saw none other than Conor Oberest and friends wailing away with "Four Winds" on the TV. A little part of me died inside.

a sudden revelation

2007-04-29T00:27:00.000-05:00

If I am perfectly honest, I truly dislike nearly everything I can remember creating.

the pagans had it right

2007-04-25T23:33:00.000-05:00

22 Apr 07: First smell of summer detected. Drunken revelry followed shortly thereafter.

likes arts and crafts

2007-04-08T21:09:00.000-05:00

"Happy Easter" just does not roll off the tongue very well. Not that I go around wishing everyone well, but it came up a couple of times at work. I stumbled over a reply each time. Well, just a thought. The holiday is kind of overrated - another Christian/pagan amalgamation. So I made my semi-annual appearance at church. Good sermon, I guess. The pastor did some name-dropping from The Odyssey and The Hobbit. Didn't see that one coming from an Easter message. He's a really intelligent guy - had lunch with him once.

It has been quite some time since I threw down some poetry on the ol' blog here. Enjoy, I guess.

I see sunlit gutters on cloudy days
Illuminating the cobblestone path to a salvation of choice
And the days pass on by like floats in parade
Like the sad "click click" of a tired metronome.

I see deserts made of memories
Buffeted by swirling winds of regret
I remember you as well, as I never fail to do
As a steady stream of colors draped over my waking life
As a gentle hum eminating from the darkened corners of my mind.

I see none of the details anymore
Just as the tides wash away fresh footprints
Leaving only the feeling behind
Just as the blurry past plays looped
In the abandoned cinema behind my eyes.

It's hard to see your image at all
Time has been quitely bleaching it clean
From the walls inside my head
Inevitably, though, one day the clicks will cease
And the slow parade will draw to a close
And on that day, perhaps will end
My starving sense of lonely longing for you.

bitch-tits?

2007-04-01T00:21:00.000-05:00

Found this while searching for a suitable userpic for indietorrents. Easily one of the best things I've read/found on the internet. Go on. Give it a read. It's scary. Really scary. Like, Wolf Eyes scary*.

* First known instance of musical pretentiousness attributed to the author. Cupcakes will follow shortly.

meet the band

2007-03-23T12:07:00.000-05:00

Well, thanks to my fancypants digital musical interface, Scott and I have officially started up our band. We are called The Prufrocks. We rock.... with hard cocks. Ha! Scott has laid claim to that moniker, though. All we need to do now is write us up some songs.

Me: Vocals, guitar, cello, unintentional background noise
Scott: Vocals, keyboard/synth, mandolin, violin, theremin?

i am in love with a man whose name i can't spell

2007-03-19T23:06:00.000-05:00

On St. Patty's day, friends and I went to the Pabst to see Loney, Dear and Of Montreal. Stupifyingly good. In fact, our dear group's dance efforts were spotted by Loney, Dear and they said they appreciated it. Those Swedes. Always so kind. Kevin Barnes, fortunately, kept it in his pants for this show. Hooray! Instead, he merely pranced about in leotard onesies and other such assorted finery. Glam rock, how I love thee. This was my first show for either of these bands, and I must say that I adore them both so hard.

Et eez here! Et eez here! My firewire 410 digital recording interface came! It came all over the place! Ha ha... ehhh. So fun, it is. So much so, that I'm cutting this post short and throwing down some homemade folk guitar goodness. Really, though.

a visit

2007-03-10T15:26:00.000-06:00

I got accepted at Columbia. Huzzah! In fact, there was an open house there today that I visited. It was overrun with scenesters, indie kids, and the like. What a refreshing change. At MSOE, I facebooked "Bright Eyes" under bands and got six hits. Six hits, for Christ's sake. Two or three for Elliott Smith, zero for the Decemberists, and zero for Neutral Milk Hotel. This was out of a student body of 2500. Definitely not my sort of place.

Anyways, the visit was quite the time - their photo lab(s) are huge. And state of the art. And awesome. I was not really planning on living in the student dorms, they're a bit too expensive for my taste. So, I was planning on sharing an apartment with a couple of guys from CLS. How fun.

nothing doing

2007-03-05T23:36:00.000-06:00

It has been a little while, and I'm not sorry. My brothers are home from school, and the house seems a lot smaller now. Which is good. I had forgotten how fun it was to have them around.

I know this is all disjointed, but this is how it is, I guess. So I'll just come out and say it - I want to like my sister. I really want to have her be my friend, and to be cool. But it really hurts that I can't. I can see what she can be, and what she chooses to be, and it makes me sad. She chooses to be this spoiled cheerleader type, but... I don't know. It's a waste.

2007-02-27T14:21:00.000-06:00

Had to clear out of the house today for a bit. I bummed around the Mills mall for a while, but didn't buy anything. It was nearly empty, and as a result, horribly depressing. With melancholy brimming out of every pocket, it was off to Borders for story time. And I stumbled upon a book of poetry by John Keats. I turned to the page marked by the ribbon sewn into the book and read this -

"To Sorrow,
I bade good-morrow,
And thought to leave her far away behind;
But cheerly, cheerly,
She loves me dearly;
She is so constant to me, and so kind:
I would deceive her
And so leave her,
But ah! she is so constant and so kind."

I do believe I have a certifiable man-crush.

and on and on

2007-02-23T09:30:00.000-06:00

It's another day today. Same old thing again. Although I am completely capable of changing that, I usually don't. Curious.

I can't decide what's going on with me when it comes to Jessica. Sometimes I want to break it off, but then when I'm with her, I think maybe we have more in common than I had thought. It's hard to figure out exactly. But I probably am thinking a little more clearly when I am by myself. I don't know.

My 'performance' at open mic night went ok. I couldn't read the sheet music for the fingerstyle song, so that didn't work. This being my first time doing this, I sort of fumbled through the song I had written. A learning experience, I guess. Just struming chords is boring to listen to, so I've been working on adding stuff in between chord. My guitar teacher gave me a bunch of stuff. He is cerifiably awesome.

Some customer complained about the jazz music at work, so that means no more of that. The fucker. I hope he gets hit by a truck. My manager was kind enough to let me switch it to Bob Dylan. I told her that if a customer complained about "motherfuckin' Bob Dylan" I would throw them out of the store. She laughed. I bet she though I was kidding.

pegged

2007-02-18T00:47:00.000-06:00

Just finished watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Go watch it. It is so beautiful. I wish I had someone to watch it with. Just me and a fuzzy, purring ball of cat in my lap. Lame.

Work today was uneventful, as always. Well, not quite. I finally snapped and turned off the radio. A man can only listen to Bon Jovi so many times. My limit was twice. Anyways, I grapped my ipod (yes, I realize that this makes me a trend whore) and my FM transmitter and laid down some sultry jazz for the customers to enjoy. Just the basics- John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Larry Corryel, some others. I'm not some jazz affecionado, but the radio just sucks. The only thing I like is an oldies station and this kick-ass program on NPR on Sunday nights. It's some guy doing stream-of-thought readings or something. So good.

Tomorow I'm doing my first show. Well, to call it a show would be an overstatement. It's open mic night at Swing State, and I will be making an appearance. Hoo haw. I only have one song finished, but I figured I'd do that and this fun fingerstyle piece I've been working on for a while. I hope it goes well.

Must practice now. Bye.

sorry sorry

2007-02-15T23:25:00.000-06:00

Spent an hour or so dinking around, trying to add fun widgets to this dear old blog. Nothing doing. HTML makes me nervous. Oh well. Just trying to get more readers.

Probably going to break up with Jessica in the near future. Well, breaking up implies that there was something to break. Not so much. Just casusal friends that enjoy making out. I hope that it doesn't make her cry. I probably led her on a lot more than I should have. Shit.

I've had several people tell me that I should go to one of those online dating things. I'm not sure if I should be insulted or not. Leaning more towards not. Probably just need to get out more. Although I do feel quite silly being as old as I am and not having any idea about being in a relationship. A recurring theme. Err. I just want someone to love, as lame as that sounds. And I want to be loved.

on avery island

2007-02-13T01:54:00.000-06:00

The name of the album I happen to be subscribing to right this very moment. It is a goddamn shame NMH had to break up. Such consistent, oven-fresh goodness lost forever. If you do happen to be looking for our dearest Jeff Mangum, here is the latest news on his whereabouts. Well, I was going to link to something. But it turns out, after research time approaching nigh 15 mintues, Mr. Mangum is probably somewhere in New York City. Apparently, the man pops up sporadically to play with Elephant 6 bands. Here's the link to the Wikipedia about him.

I have $69.85 in my bank account. There's a digital recorder thingy at Music Go Round that requires my immediate purchasing of it. The cost is $299.95. I shall no longer purchase gasoline. Or food. Once said digital recorder is in my possession, I shall drive to Scott's house with my guitar, cello, mics, cables, amp, and notebook and begin the setup. Then, with his fatty analog keyboard, we shall be divine. And greatly anger the remaining gods on Mt. Olympus.

communities?

2007-02-11T01:49:00.000-06:00

I can't sleep. I wish that I didn't need rest. As if life wasn't short enough, this body has the need to sleep through 1/3 of it. But here we are. Me whining and you reading. So, a brief synopsis of whatever the hell popped into my head that I can remember.

Been bumming around on the web, trying to find a site with decent blogging stuff. Where there's a decent community. I always end up here. Even though there's no community, really. I'm basically just talking to myself here. And it is frustrating. I want to have some people from exotic place like England to talk to. Instead, I just have this blog and a flickr account, neither of which people seem to want to comment on. Fiddlesticks!

I can't muster up the willpower to detail a synopsis for you. So sorry to disappoint. There wasn't much worth remembering today. Another day of work. Another day of me spending too much damn time watching TV and doing nothing.

I am finding myself more and more wishing to go back in time. To when I was in 5th or 6th grade. I'd walk up to me and say, "Hey, me. Fuck this whole soccer and math and science thing. Get into photography. Get into music. Take up guitar. Take up cello. And take these CDs. This one is by Elliott Smith, there are a few others. Here's a list of tour dates for Neutral Milk Hotel and a homing beacon. It is essential that you try and tag Jeff Mangum behind the ear with this. Oh, and by the way, fuck Christianity. Just toss that shit right out the window." How much better it would have been. But it's all a waste of time. Nothing will come of it.

I don't know what it is, but I am furious with myself. I don't know why. I want to go join the army just to spite myself. I am sick. Of these walls, of my car dash, of the same grey landscape passing before my dull, unseeing eyes. I can't sit still. My skin is crawling. I can't stop tearing at my hair. Yargh! Errgh. Ehhhhhmmm. . Fuck! Fuck.

it turns out that kissing is a blast

2007-02-09T19:47:00.000-06:00

So the title says it well. The girl I met at Quizno's (her name is Jessica, by the way) is really fun to hang out with. And she's really pretty and funny. I met her family the other day. The word 'quirky' comes to mind. But they are a blast. Although I think that I make her parents a bit nervous. Oh well. At first, I didn't think that we were good together. It was fairly awkward. But it turns out that we were both just being rather shy, and now that we are more comfortable around each other, everything's going well.

No one told me that making out was so fun. I feel very much let down - looking at you, Katie. Regardless... wow. The first time, before I left her house, my arms wouldn't stop shaking. It was like everything had quietly melted. I can barely remember when we kissed. But it wasn't awkward. It was like we had practiced it - like we were liquid. It was lovely.

{ [] }

2007-02-04T00:39:00.000-06:00

I can adapt my personality.
To meet your needs.

I can exhale who I am.
And inhale who you want me to be.

I am a twenty year old newborn.
That sleeps in your cupped hands.

Please don't let me be alone.

and the light from your eyes will outlive us all.

2007-02-02T00:32:00.000-06:00

Listening right now to "Amy in the White Coat" by Bright Eyes. If I had to pick a song to listen to before offing myself, this would probably be it. Most. Depressingly. Beautiful. Song. Ever. That is, until I find a new one. Give it two or three weeks.

Been bumming around flickr again. I am rather frightened. There are so many good photographers out there. It borders on absurd. Right on that edge there. How can I compete? I take shots and think they're pretty good. Nothing fantastic. But I'm still proud of them, kind of like a parent with an ugly kid or something. Then I, in my wanderings, look at other folk's stuff. People that are sixteen, seventeen, have just the most incredible shots, beautiful lighting. And then I go back to my stuff and am ashamed. I want to un-post them, but I don't. It wouldn't accomplish anything. There is nothing to do except keep on taking shots. I'm not sure how I'll get better by doing that. I want to use the good stuff on flickr as inspiration, but it just ends up as discouragement. Like a cripple watching a track meet.

I hate pitying myself like this. I just ran out of things to do.

more and less

2007-01-28T22:56:00.000-06:00

Starbucks said no. The fuckers. Ah, well. I guess it's still just boring Black & Decker. It's the worst kind of boring - the kind where it's just shy of that point where you're not busy enough to get a good read in. And then nobody's happy.

This new flickr business has got me excited. And sad. Well, only a little sad. It seems that everyone there is an incredible photographer. I feel silly posting my stuff, and even sillier trying to get a portfolio together for college. On one of the college websites I found myself on, for laughs, I punched in my scores and numbers and such as if I was an incoming freshman, instead of a transfer. Full tuition, plus about 1/3 of room and board. Golly shucks. I do wish that that my college credit didn't make me a transfer student. But at least I will do some serious ass-kicking in the photography department when it comes to calculus and statics. Watch, like ten kids will show me up.

and on and on and on

2007-01-22T01:03:00.000-06:00

I went snowboarding the other day. And now I hurt. But that is to be expected. A neat new trick I've learned is how to pop all my vertebrae back into place. So that's a timesaver. But going off snowboarding by myself is kind of lame. I mean, it's still cool, but it turns into more of something to kill the time than something I like to do. I don't know.

By the way, I'll eventually get some more photos up on flickr, but I haven't quite figured out how to set up a nice indoor shot. It is sort of important to get a variety of photos in my "portfolio". Which is kind of a pointless exercise now, because it seems that most colleges will just accept me regardless of any talent I may or may not possess. By most I just mean Columbia. So I'll be getting off my ass and applying somewhere else soon. Come on... scholarship!

dear diary...

2007-01-19T20:29:00.000-06:00

So work was boring as all get out the other night. The weather really affects sales because the store I work at is in an outdoor mall. So it was boring in the store and cold and wet outside. And on top of that, I was really hungry. So I walk down to the only restaurant in the mall to grab a sandwich. It was boring there, too. As I was grabbing my necessary condiments, the girl ringing me up asked if I worked in the mall. I answered, then she asked if she could see my shoes. I was rather puzzled, and sort of mumbled something or another. She asked if they were Chucks, to which I said, "Why yes, yes they are. And I sort of drew all over them too." And she said something about seeing me before and wanting to give me her number. Then she blushed and said that she was really sorry about this being so awkward. I said not to worry about it and smiled a little. Finally my sandwich was ready and I was getting ready to leave. She handed me my receipt, then her number. Score.

I may be overracting, but no one ever gave me their number before. So I'm excited. And it's all due to my Chucks. Fan-fucking-tastic. I'm a'callin' her tomorry.

Fantastic Elastic!

2007-01-17T00:06:00.000-06:00

This sexy, new template can best be described as... doubleplusgood. And moody. Meanwhile, I got around to making a flickr account. And here it is. Enjoy its hot, buttery goodness.

baking cookies with mumsie

2007-01-09T14:45:00.000-06:00

So the downside of being employed part-time has reared its ugly (and snickering) head. There's not much to do. Except watch TV. And blog. It's pretty relaxing, I guess. Does free up quite a bit of time for music and reading. Also, I've been working on a short story, or novel, or what have you. It features a quiet limo driver named Dylan. I hope it doesn't turn out like a second-rate Murakami novel. That's all I have been reading as of late. Although I did pick up a book by Proust after watching Little Miss Sunshine. So maybe that will offset the mild crush I have on Haruki Murakami's writing style, as well as the man himself. I'm not holding out much hope. Either way, it's still a great way to learn how to write: ripping off other authors and adding a smidgen or two of your own stuff. Voila, I'm avant garde!

Dig that trippy music on the Murakami site.

and and and

2007-01-05T11:58:00.000-06:00

My apologies, dear abandoned reader(s). The ol' computer has been out of commission for a while. So here I am, bloggin' it up at the local library. Errr.

It's been a long, uneventful trip these last couple of weeks. Just working. And doing nothing in between stints of working. Although I have been tooling around with my fancypants camera. I'll have to upload some shots to photobucket eventually.

Music has had me confounded the last week or two. I can't make a good song. All the shit I write down looks like it should belong to some third-rate, narcissistic emo band. And my chords all sound the same. I really want to be happy doing music, and I really think I could be. It just seems that there's something getting in the way of the all the good stuff that's in my head somewhere.

2006-12-26T13:44:00.000-06:00

My Christmas buzz is wearing off. There wasn't much of a buzz to begin with in the first place, however. Eh, well. My parents aren't the best gift-givers in the world. But they try, by golly. I was a bit flaky and just got gift cards for my siblings. But no matter. My mom's good with keeping receipts. Some of the gifts I got were really thoughtful, stuff I only mentioned once or twice in passing. But the best gift is gonna take a while to get here. Oh yes, dear friends - a DSLR camera. Woot. My parents are really supportive of me doing photography, so they decided to help out. And drop $600 like it wasn't no thang. Shoo.

and after long last

2006-12-21T22:11:00.000-06:00

The Christmas concert was on Monday. It was really nicely done, and everyone sounded pretty good, even though the only "Christmas music" that I like is the jazz from the Charlie Brown Christmas movie. I did downright shitty on the cello during the concert, though. Frustrating. Especially since most (read: all) cellists my age are really good. Oh well. Only thing that can fix that is practice. And lessons.

Well all, I do hope your festivities are delightful. Can't say I really get too excited about them myself. Except for time and a half at work. My family doesn't have any relatives nearby, so it's almost always been just us for such occasions.

The laundry beckons.

and so on

2006-12-13T00:05:00.000-06:00

Another song done and over with. Well, more or less. The lyrics and chords are done, it just needs a serious amount of polishing. Up to a total of two songs now. Only one of which I'm not totally ashamed of. Anyways, I was hoping to save up enough money to get a fancypants recording interface for the ol' computer. Then I can record my non-ashamed songs directly onto the computer and thus begin my path to becoming an indie god. Har har. But hopefully majoring in photography will lead to some fun side ventures within the local music scene.

Ehhh. I do believe I will write some song(s). About stuff that doesn't exist. And people that aren't real.

clickity clack

2006-12-08T21:11:00.000-06:00

I'm all moved in here at home. And it's pretty damn boring. My job doesn't start until the 15th, so that leaves me with an extensive amount of time to kill. At the moment, I'm frantically trying to get up to speed with all the music that I'm playing in the winter concert for MSOE and the alumni concert at the ol' high school. Basically, I'm faking playing for a decent amount of time. For the alumni concert, I was given the music about two weeks out. Not cool. A couple of the songs are too difficult for me (surprise!), so right now I'm just working on the other ones. Not quite sure how that's going to go down at the actual concert though. Probably awkward.

predictably indifferently bored

2006-12-05T15:28:00.000-06:00

Just sitting around in my dorm at the moment. There's no point in going to class. At least, no point that I could come up with. Plus, when you step outside, it's so cold that you just laugh and say, "Man, it is just silly how cold it is!" And then immediately regret that decision because your lungs just froze. Lesson learned.

I hope that I don't piss anyone off by leaving so suddenly. There's still a few people around that I have to say goodbye to. I'm not sure what the point is, considering the only contact I will have with most of them ever again is a random facebook message or two. My relationships are depressing. Although, I'm pretty sure this sort of thing happens to everyone. I would still be friends with them as long as we were within geographically convenient distances. It seems so petty.

my life is ready

2006-12-02T21:29:00.000-06:00

Well, I guess this is it. I'm dropping out of school. Not because I can't do it, or that I'm lazy. Life is far too short not to be doing what you love. Even though mechanical engineering would be a good job and all, I just can't very excited about it. I wish it didn't take me $15,000 and over a year to figure that out. Ah, well. Anyways, I'm trying to figure out what the hell to do. Apparently, I have to get a job with good insurance, because if I'm not a full time student, I am no longer on my parent's plan. Which wouldn't be a big deal if I wasn't so medicated. Fucking neurosis. Fortunately, I do have a job lined up at good ol' Black & Decker, and apparently they have some sort of rudementary plan for full-time employees. But anyways.

I will be going back to school in the fall, that's for damn sure. But I am not exactly sure what I want to do. It would probably be a toss-up between photography and music, with me leaning more towards photography. The good news is that my parents were smart when they were younger and started saving for college when I was still filling up diapers. So that means about $20,000 a year for college. Hopefully I can get some scholarship money.

Anyways. MSOE just wasn't doing it for me. I didn't really belong. The kids are great there, and I had a few friends, but I never really connected on a deep level. The kind that would keep us talking and whatever if I were to go to another school. The school's great for engineering and nursing, but piss-poor for everything else. There is almost no music program, and the humanities and writing classes are a joke.

My parents are taking this really well. They do want me to be happy. But I don't think they believe in me. Especially with the photography thing. So I don't know. I was going to go to a few professional photographers to have them evaluate my "work", if it can be called that. It's just a few photos taken during one year of a photo class. But I believe in me, for once. I really think I can do this. It'll be a helluva thing to whip together a portfolio in a little more than three months, as well as get a good job, but I can't stop smiling. I can't remember the last time I felt this... content.

oh my darling

2006-11-30T11:16:00.000-06:00

Urgh. Running on fumes and Elliott Smith . I recently received rather a rather rigorous coRRespondence fRom the registrar. Half-assed assonance ahoy! Oye...
Anyways, the letter said that I have upgraded my status from academic probation to academic suspension. Shit. So now I need to prostrate myself before the various judges of this sort of thing and write a letter of sorts to them pleading for mercy. If that does in fact succeed, I will have to drop my beloved philosphy class with Professor GB in order to go back on the four class maximum associated with academic probation. He's delightfully "off " and is all about open discussion. A pity. There's always next year.

But now I'm really not sure what I want to do anymore. What else is there? I'd consider photography, but I have no portfolio, and no experience with the exception of one photo class in high school. Although that class was seriously bad-assed, despite the utter lack of funding and working equipment. And its subsequent cancellation the following year. Fucking assholes.
However, the only photos I'm interested in are the ones that require an almost prodigious skill to make money off of. Mmm... crappy sentence. What I mean is that sports photos are boring, and the stuff in Time and National Geographic is almost absurd in its technical execution and subtle beauty. Another option would be music. However, that requires an auditition, so that rules out my cello playing (2 years is simply not enough experience). That leaves my guitar playing. Shaky, at best. But I have a shot if the school is small. How will I make money then? Maybe I'm just making excuses. Maybe I'm being realistic. It's hard to tell, isn't it?

Carpentry then?

"Waking you up to close the bar
Street's where you can tell by the sound of the cars
Bartender's singing Clementine
While he's turning around the open side
Dreadful sorry Clementine"

today is not your day

2006-11-25T01:32:00.000-06:00

Got my grades back today. I Failed Intro to Computer Programming. Fuck fuck fuck fuck! Now I will probably lose my scholarship because of my low GPA and cost my parents around $40,000. Fuck. Fucking Woelfl and his hard-as-fuck class. Urrr. It's my own fault. But I am still furious. I don't know how to really sort this out. And I know for sure I'll have to do it own my own because my dick-of-an-advisor couldn't give less of a shit. Ah, well. I hope I'm not on academic probation, because then I won't be able to take the philosophy class I signed up for. And I have been looking forward to an easy class for quite some time. Tune in next week for more adventures.

i want to be peter parker.

2006-11-23T20:33:00.000-06:00

Mmmm... poultry. Actually, I'm not so much a fan of turkey. But it was nice to sit and chat with the family and all that. It was even civil. Well, it's never been like how it is on TV. With all the bickering and dysfunction. Is that how it really is? I would doubt it. But right now I'm in the middle of watching Spiderman 2 with my brothers and sister. And it's downright cozy. So I guess I'm done with this for now.

If you're in the mood for something awesome

2006-11-19T00:43:00.000-06:00

So I found this on another person's blog, but I figured it was far too fun not to pass up.

By the way, the only thing I remember about "Punch Out!" was losing.

are you mailing anything perishable, liquid, or hazardous today?

2006-11-18T23:17:00.000-06:00

Ducking and covering at the moment. Two of my three siblings (and assorted friends of theirs)are in the full throes of a "sleepover" here. That's cool, I guess. Well, it would be cool if there was something to watch on the telly. But there's been enough audio-visual entertainment for today. Probably a solid three or four hours, not counting the Bond movie I went to out of boredom. It was pretty well done, and surprisingly deep for a Bond movie, but Jesus Christ was it depressing. But I always feel terribly depressed when a movie ends and I walk out to the parking lot from the theatre. Oh well. I'd attempt a half-assed review, but I don't much want to bring the dire reprecussions of ruining a movie's ending down on my head though. The finicky wrath of the gods and all. Anyways.

I sent Stephanie Mack a mango. Swathed in bubble wrap and duct tape. Not cause I like her or anything. Uhh.. no. It's just that uhh... there's this lady at the post office right? And one day she was like... uhh... "Wow, you're into Elliott Smith?" And I'm like "XO, sweetheart!" And uhh.. I mail stuff as an excuse to see her. So... uhh... that's why a mango was sent. For that reason and that reason only.

progressive report

2006-11-15T10:46:00.000-06:00

It's finals week here at "Mosy", and I'm getting my ass kicked all over the goddamn place. Normally I would bitch about not being able to hack it here and would be thinking about dropping out. But then I'd remember that I wouldn't know what to do. So then I would just stick it out here, and probably whine about losing my scholarship and failing my parents. That's what I would do. Normally. But I'm self-impowered. I'm motivated. I'm organized. I've got a positive outlook. I've got the end in mind. I'm prepared.

I'm delusional.

the sporting life

2006-11-11T01:16:00.000-06:00

Countdown to Decemberists show. T Minus seventeen hours, forty-five mintues. I'm all aquiver with excitement. It will be most awesome. The Scotts and I will be traveling down to Chicago and going to the show with Scott's older sister, then spending the night at her apartment there. Perhaps a sexy rendezvous will be in order? Time will tell. But one can always hope.

Anyways, I finished reading one of the 33 1/3 series of books. The one penned by Colin Meloy, no less. A quick overview: the 33 1/3 book series is all about people in bands writing about their favorite album. Mr. Meloy wrote about The Replacements' Let it Be and his life growing up in Helena, Montana, a town not oft visited by bands, let alone good bands. You, dear reader, should read it. There's also one on Neutral Milk Hotel's In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. Which you should also read. But I plan on beating you to the punch.

why do I look forward to the weekends?

2006-11-03T23:58:00.000-06:00

Home again, home again. And it's Friday night and I'm doing nothing. Should I be doing something? I am at a loss. Errr...

Floating gently in an endless sea of apathy. The water's lukewarm and calm. The sky is silent and grey. The scene is the same no matter which direction you are facing. Just grey sky giving way to greyer waters. There is no one. There is nothing.

My brain is out to get me. And my mind is too feeble to resist. If someone could come over with a bottle of whiskey and a pair of shot glasses, it would be much appreciated. I'll keep the front door unlocked.

it's almost tomorry

2006-10-31T23:48:00.000-06:00

I could make sweet, sweet love to blogger all the time, with only brief stops for sustenance and sleep. Perhaps that's just because blogdrive was such an abusive lover, but the point, as well as my horrible disfigurements brought on by year(s) of umm... blog abuse? remain. Ehh... lame joke.

I've begun carrying a book with me everywhere I may go. In it I write little things that pop into my mind and ideas for songs, novels (ha!) and other such things. I tried this before, but the crappy little notebook from walgreens fell apart on me. So I ponied up and got a $8 faux-leather bound thingy. It even has a faux-silk bookmark! Fauxtastic! Ehh... lamer joke. But that's enough chit-chat for now. I'm warming up some tea and heading outside to brave the cold and make it to the music room with guitar intact.

a summary of the day's events

2006-10-28T20:32:00.000-05:00

Errr... homework. If the History Channel wasn't so freaking awesome, it might have had a chance at getting done. No such luck this evening. So, a summation of the day's events:

Went to Outpost Natural Foods. Why do all these natural food stores smell the same? Oh well. I went a'shopping because the cafeteria food is not acceptable. Seriously, this stuff is legendarily bad, even among college caf food. So, I'm cooking my own food now, by god. Apparently, there's a small kitchen in the other dorm. It will be an adventure.

"Making friends" with one of the clerks at Atomic Records. He kind of reminds me of the guitarist from Ammi. Either way, pretty cool. He recommended one of the 33 1/3 series books to me. The one on Neutral Milk Hotel. I sort of bought the one on The Replacements by Colin Meloy, of Decemberists fame. I was gonna read it then send it to Stephanie Mack, along with assorted mango-flavored sweets. I hope she forgives me for being a negligent bastard.

Meet Yuri, the Soviet Pumpkin Who Lives Outside My Room

2006-10-27T12:41:00.000-05:00

Sign:
Yuri the Soviet Pumpkin says:

Thank you, comrades, for the use of the glorious flag of Mother Russia. I shall wave it proudly over the bodies of the bourgeois!

Successful move. Huzzah!

2006-10-27T11:24:00.000-05:00

So I've made the switch from blogdrive. And what a switch it is. Anyways, here's a link to the old blog. I do believe I'll be staying here for a while. And that my posts will be more interesting.