a return to things new and familiar

It has been a while. Stuff happened in the in-between. School. Death. Life. Learning. Changing. Too much stuff to cover. But now I'm drowsily chronicling all this newness in my apartment. It feels as if my arms have been unbound and life is radically different. No school for a while. Limited hours at work. But I feel new and unpredictable. Like... the other day I went off with some friends from work and got pretty stoned for the first time because, well... I couldn't think of any reason not to. It was a wonderful experience. Everything became loose and smiles came easily. But not just smiles. Happiness. It wasn't just from being stoned, though. It was from living. Living for the first real time, maybe. It's strange. I haven't forgotten that I hurt and am kind of lonely. It just doesn't seem as important.

That's about all the coherence I can muster for the moment. I hope you all have a pleasant day.

Nothing's really changed, but I feel inexplicably better about things. I'm still painfully single, I still have a metric shit-ton of homework due, and I still have no idea what I'm doing. But it's okay. And I haven't even been drinking.

Trusty little black ache's still lodged firmly in my chest too.

In other news, I now have enough money to get myself all tattooed up. I was thinking inner right forearm, but I don't have any ideas as to what to get.

no thing

What am I doing with my life? My photography's mediocre, my music sucks, my writing sucks... I really don't like the life I have chosen for myself. There's nothing that I love to do. Nothing. Not a single. God. Damn. Thing. And it's SO frustrating because there's not really a reason for me to wake up in the morning.

How do you fix something like that?

4:35 Metra to Kenosha

Well, these days it's been black when I sleep -
Endlessly dark and complete for weeks on end
And for that I am probably grateful
But I am scared
Because I don't want it to fade
How much I loved you, how much I love you
How much it hurt when
You said you didn't
I was so alive then, balanced barefoot on a razor's edge
And yes, I fell - I bled and I cried
Like I didn't think I could
It hurts to this very moment
But I don't regret it and I never will
So those dreams can come if they want
I don't think I'm that scared
Of seeing you again.

8-bit sound

Well, I gots a job now. It's a good job. The people are nice. I am treated and paid well. Still, I feel like I'm betraying what I've come to believe these last few months; namely, anarchism. Is an hour of my life really worth $9? They're not exactly replaceable. Plus, my working helps fund a war that I believe to be criminal. And yet, and yet... I must buy photo supplies. I must repay loans. I must be a consumer, and my money spends (and contributes) the same now as it would if I was ignorant of the misery capitalism perpetuates.

My first day I spent on the edge of tears - no joke. It wasn't solely because of all this... I don't know. Just feeling incredibly lonely and unloved as well... I've more or less been in a tailspin since November. I fear that I am losing the ability to express myself because of it. I've sort of stopped playing music and writing songs because everything I write or play ends up as just a long parade of cliches. My friends... well, we both wish they could do something. I swear to god, days like these make me want to just make up a backpack and start walking to wherever. When I am done with school, I think I'll do that for a while, except I'll have my camera and say I'm "building my portfolio". Or something.

Ah, shit. It's daylights savings today and I have to work in the morning. Fucking Benjamin Franklin... whatever.

Click here.

radical

Finally got a goddamned job - my first day is tomorrow. Worrying about money all the time is very draining. Also not being able to buy groceries often - that's no fun either. But apparently I get a discount on beer and food from the store I'll be working at. That's good, I guess... not too big on drinking, but it's nice to be able to afford to do so.

A friend came in from out of town today - I was really excited to see her again. I've been distant with my friends here at school for a while, so it was really refreshing to be genuinely happy to see someone. I don't know... I could leave for another country tomorrow and the list of people I would be sad not to see again would only be three or four people long. Depressing. I've begun to wonder whether I am capable of normal relationships... or if I have any hope of starting a romantic one... it's all so unapologetically hopeless and I'm pretty sure it's my fault somehow.

so... fun story

The other night I accidentally crashed a party - me and my friend were the only white kids there, everyone else was Asian. It was really weird, but funny. Then, 2 minutes after entering, I proceeded to incur the secret wrath of most of the guys there when the prettiest girl burst into tears when she saw me and was sort of was all over me. A little. Not in the way you're probably thinking, though. She's in my photo classes, so we know each other enough to say hello but I swear to God, I am so incredibly awkward around her - it's like all of jr. high concentrated into a single conversation. She's really cool and all... but I get skiddish at times like this. Anyways, she was really drunk and proceeded to say (after asking what I was doing there several times) that she and her friends loved my work but thought I was really creepy. I told her I wasn't creepy, just awkward... but I don't know how much sank in. This whole time she was crying and hugging me though and mentioned stuff about liking me in the past but not anymore or something.

Anyways. New life experience, I guess. Class tomorrow will be awesome, no doubt.